Interlude

  I have spent an inordinate amount of time these past six months in my living room chair. Processing endless information about cancer and what it means to have it and be treated for it, feeling anxious over the changes coming my way, chatting, texting, laughing, crying with family and friends, sitting alone in silence and solitude. I've kept watch as summer ended, fall descended, and the darkness of winter took over my corner, with finally daylight now back on the rise. I've spent sleepless nights sitting here, reading or streaming mindlessly for hours, built this blog here, as I'm typing away on it right now, and have hoped, prayed, and cursed more than a few times from this perch. I've grown impatient over the snail's pace of time, have grappled with the many side effects of chemotherapy, and transformed from the blonde with bangs I've been my whole life, to this bald headed being. Me and my chair. Most solid thing I've got in my world most days. I've...

  Ten chemotherapy treatments behind me...only two more to go. This whole deal has gotten truly gnarly. Despite doing a ton of new things to try to counteract its effects ~ acupuncture, Chinese herbs and detox, green smoothies, qigong, much healthier eating, no alcohol or caffeine, way less sugar, daily rest, staying home to reduce exposures ~ it's feeling like chemo rules all. Nothing is as big as it is. It's just looming over me and sapping all my energy. Life feels very closed in. I thank God above for the warm spell we've been having, and I've been getting outside every single day, but the days are dragging and the world feels like it's at a standstill. I feel sad because I’m missing an important event for Danny this weekend, so that’s bumming me out too. But I just need to hang on for two more weeks. Trying not to project too far ahead, especially since I need to start radiation and continue infusions after chemo is over, but so looking forward to when I can go...

Well, I definitely didn't have facing down another terrifying diagnosis on my new year's resolutions, but here we are still in January, and I guess that's what I've already done. Thankfully, this one is quicker to kick! 🙏  I was unusually run down after my 8th chemo session last week, didn't make it into work last Sunday and didn't feel like I was bouncing back Monday & Tuesday like I usually do. I just attributed it to a rough chemo week, but then I woke up Wednesday morning with the symptoms of a head cold. Dr. Moore ran my labs and it was obvious I was fighting off an infection. She called off chemo, suspected I had covid (which I've never yet had) and told me that if I did, chemo would have to wait 21 days before resuming. I went home despondent and anxiously awaited my covid results. While the afternoon passed by, I started to notice I was feeling worse and worse. I went to lay down on my bed and really felt like there was no way I could get back u...

  January is starting to feel like such a slog, but that's not unusual even under the best conditions. Although I've loved the mildness of this winter, the lack of sunshine is definitely getting to me. It was wonderful to see blue skies yesterday, and I got out for an extra long walk in the crispy sunshine. My stamina is pretty good for flat walking, but even one flight of stairs can leave me feeling breathless. Chemo comes with an array of so many odd side effects: skin rashes, tingly toes, a metallic taste in my mouth that makes it feel like it's bleeding, fuzzy brain cells, iffy stomach, dehydration, an odd mix of fatigue and insomnia (though acupuncture helps a lot), and of course, being bald. I hate being without hair as much as I feared I would. Even with everything else going on, it's definitely my number one chief complaint. I still have my eyelashes though, thinning but not gone. I really hope I hang on to them! 🙏 Through the slog, I'm trying to be "g...

Anyone else a New York Times Spelling Bee enthusiast? The amazing Jenn E (who survived typhus! this year), pointed out that today's date is a palingram , tres cool, and my bout with insomnia last night already has me with a perfect connections score, a solved wordle, and a 🐝 genius by 5:00 am. I do hit 👸🏼 🐝 more often than not these days, with heavy reliance on hinters Steve G & Jenn E, but at a whopping 73 words today, genius may be good enough to cap off this bizarre year.  Indeed, what a year it has been. From New  Year's Day bringing on the tragic death of Jennifer, to New Year's Eve leaving me in the depths of chemotherapy, it's been a chaotic and unpredictable spin around the sun. We faced such stress following Jennifer’s death, endured that brutal winter, I've undergone countless medical interventions, and we had three family members make major moves, with Bev & Tony leaving Minnesota and Danny leaving California ~ all with ripple effects. Danny ...

  Well, it's gone....thank God above for Julie, who went with me to get my head shaved on very short notice yesterday. I felt her power radiating through me the whole time, and even though I was a cry baby about it, she got me through doing what had to be done. In a way I'm glad that step is behind me. I am definitely learning again and again that dreading something is worse than just doing it. Thank you, Jules, for sticking with me through thick, thin, and even bald!! Couldn't do these hard things without you by my side!!  Snapped this pic during my fourth round of chemo today....when I looked at it, I was surprised to see perhaps hope, maybe even acceptance, in my mien. I'm trying hard, I'm trying to live in acceptance, mindful that I'm just another living being making my way in this world, come what may. I'll leave it to Robert Frost to capture my  struggles, and my hopes, today. In Interlude, Julie

I've been through 3 rounds of chemo now, and side effects have started to kick in. My oncologist had me go into the hospital for extra IV fluids yesterday morning to help combat dehydration, and then I tried acupuncture for the first time yesterday afternoon. I had the best night sleep last night that I've had in months. I was shocked that it was actually morning when I looked at the clock! I had no idea what to expect with acupuncture, but it was actually a pretty cool experience. I definitely felt some kind of energy channeling through my body during it, and then felt very calm and relaxed after. This morning I felt groggy and decided I better not go swimming as planned, but overall I feel pretty good. I'm grateful that Dr. Moore seems to always have a ready response for issues that are popping up, nothing fazes her at all, and will definitely keep up with acupuncture as I'm going through chemo. My acupuncturist tells me I'm now tapped into cosmic energy.... I say...